Life has the craziest way of speeding by and at the same time, slowing down to a glacial pace. One second it feels like no time has past and the next, like a million years have flown by in a single heartbeat.
That space. That time. Its speed (or lack of), is what I’ve been thinking about and living through the last few days. Time has flown by and lots of life has happened the last 5 years and although I feel that I’m so far removed from THAT day…. the very next second; the feelings, the sights, the sounds, the people, the conversations… all the details – of February 10, 2014 – are as real in this moment as they were 1,826 days ago.
Pain. Loss. Grief. Death…
They all have a way of messing with you. With your emotions. Your relationships. Your sleep. Your being. Your awareness. Your senses. You can try to ignore it or pretend those things are not there. Or you can be brave and even embrace all of them. You can look grief, pain and loss square in the eyes and even delve deep into its (actual and potential) impact on your life……. But even if you’ve done the very hard work… had the conversations, seen the professional counselor, talked (AND stayed silent)…. there are days, (like those ones of this week), where the pain is as real now as it was 5 years ago.
The affect of loss and grief is not only internal; it’s emotions and strong roller-coaster feelings – but it’s also external. It’s a sensitivity to the emotional ups and downs – but it also has an affect on the skin surface. It’s tender to the touch and its felt tension on a muscular level. Its affects are swings in reactions – with the ‘little things’ that feel off. It can take your breath away. And it can leave you crumbling.
I’ve learned that I can’t just brush these things off.
I MUST feel this. All of this.
I’ve learned that I must give myself space.
I must rest. I must breathe. I must be real with myself.
And above all else – I MUST lean into Jesus and allow HIM to show up even in the overwhelming pain.
He did not cause the pain! But He is willing to be IN it with me……. and so, IF I pause long enough – to catch a breath and to intentionally rest – I can, and thankfully have, known He is with me! (in every moment – whether I feel or see Him or not!)
One of the most relieving songs in this season has been “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle. It’s been a great reminder that He hears my SOS. That HE will send rescue. He will send an ARMY to find me…. (and you)! That He will won’t stop marching to find me (or you) in the middle of the hardest of fights…..…..
He will (and has) rescued!!! ….. Because that is WHO He IS!
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
Do not be afraid—I am with you!
~~ Isaiah 43: 2-4 ~~ [Message]
Days are tough…. Nights are tough…
But I am deeply thankful:
… to know a God who seeks His children. Who brings comfort. And reminds me of His love, even when the pain is deep.
… for a community who surrounds me – and walks with me even from miles away.
… and for a husband, who stands with me, supporting me, when I have nothing left to give… who brings comfort even in times when I can’t even say (or don’t know) what I need and when I’m at a loss for words!
Grief. Loss. Pain. Death. It does have a lasting impact… but I will (choose) to lift my head — for the moment and seasons of sorrow will pass — and there will be joy again!
Lauren Casey Pfortsch Charles ~ February 10, 2014
John William Pfortsch ~ February 10, 2015