Honestly….. the last few weeks have been some dark times in my world.
My days are filled with lots of life; work, tasks, to-do’s, conversations, being an adult (and all the resposibilities that come with that), it’s been an emotional roller-coaster, AND the non-stop thoughts and ongoing battles of truth and lies fighting to win in each moment in my headspace – has been a bit overwhelmingly exhausting.
My nights are filled with restlessness. Unsettledness. Dreams of past conversations and conversations I’ve never had – my subconsciousness – perhaps struggling to predict (or control) future moments, and the emotions that come with that…. whatever all that is – sleeping restlessly and waking unsettled has been beyond tiring.
During the day I so look forward to the night and sleep. At night, when I’m not sleeping, all I want is for the day.
We all have moments in life – perhaps similar to what I just described. We live our days hoping (and oftentimes praying) for some relief from all those bits, singularly or combined. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. I am beginning to see the value of leaning in. Praying – talking to God – even when I don’t “feel” like it or when I don’t believe heaven even hears (or will actually do anything about it).
Pain is….. unpleasant. Loss is….. painful. Change is….. extremely tough – but ultimately I believe it is all for our good (and potential growth if I/we allow it to shape and affect us.)
None of those words (or what they encompass) are my favorite – but I can say; as a result of all the things written in the lines and paragraphs before this……
I am better today, then I was yesterday (or the day before that) – I am the best version of myself – right now, in this moment!
How is that even possible? I’ve asked that countless times in journal pages, in conversations, in counseling sessions. The answer – although there is much Uncertainty. Pain. Emotion. Exhaustion…. my pursuit of truth, my seeking God’s goodness and faithfulness in spite of feelings, my putting one foot in front of the other, my choice to get up, out of bed, no matter the emotion or physical state – to be a functioning human —- wins and I am able to say – I am and will be – ok!
I heard a song recently – which rocked my world. It’s truth…. ‘you’re gonna be ok’ echos in my head and heart countless times throughout the day. I am moved (VERY often) – listening to its words. One of my favorite lines is; ‘put one foot in front of the other – you’re gonna be ok!’
Listen: You’re Gonna Be Ok – Brian & Jenn Johnson
Just like me…. you’re gonna be ok! Deep breath my friend… one foot in front of the other… and we’ll make it through it all – together!
~ much love, always!