I know, I know… it’s been ages since I wrote! The last months have been full with wrapping up 2016, doing life, and figuring out some things in both personal and professional fronts. I haven’t posted – not because I haven’t written, but sometimes my writing is for me, my way of processing life and there’s sometimes value in keeping those between me, my journal pages and heaven.
I don’t often go back and reread my previous blog posts, but I’m sure I’ve written on the importance and value of community and having people around you – to support you, it’s core truth in my world and in recent weeks, I’ve seen that even more evident and hold even more firmly to that.
As I’ve written before, February is one of my least favorite months. There’s lots of emotions that swirl around these 28 days. The past three February’s I’ve lost someone; my Mom, my grandfather, and my cousin. They were all losses, causing grief both personally and within extended family. These days are always charged with emotions and unsettledness, and sadly this year has been no different. However – this year a new dimension of loss was added. I have not been openly posting or broadcasting a relationship I was in the last few months mostly due to wanting to give it space to become something (or not, as it turns out), but with any good thing, there is potential risk, and sadly you can’t always pick the expiration date of “good things”.
So all relationship ending – whether death, mutual agreement to walk away, choice or not – have an effect. And I am no different.
I can tell you the roller-coaster of emotion from this month, loss of my Mom, and the grief that will always be part of my life – of the things I’ll never share with her, the loss of extended family, and the loss of a relationship (that was good, sweet and tough all at the same time) is very present these days.
But……. I can say that although I would never wish suffering, grief, loss, pain or heartache on anyone – I can say I am thankful, as I have seen the most gloriously beautifully breathtaking care, love and support from heaven, practically played out through my people – my “tribe” – like never before.
These people have walked all types of seasons of life with me. Some good and happy. Some tough. Some for long seasons – years even. Some for just a few weeks or months… and the most amazing and beautiful thing about each one – is they support, care and love in their own way and that has met needs in me that I didn’t even knew were there.
I occasionally question my story, my journey, and its purpose. Why can’t it be ‘easier’? Why can’t I write MY own plot line, characters and of course happier endings? Why…. why…. why….
Just a few potential “why’s” I’ve been thinking through this week…:
- God shows up when we’re hurting in ways we never expect to see Him (or even look for Him to be)
- We see the kindness and care of people in our world, might be close friends, family or just passing acquaintances, and that concern expressed allows us to see humanity in a new light
- We feel relief that our hurt or pain our vulnerability (although oftentimes we’re scared to show) has been seen, not rejected – and has been embraced or even celebrated.
- We feel alive, as pain is demonstration of awareness (although sometime wish we could just stop breathing…..)
- and…. many more.
*I was reminded again this past weekend at LCBC Church that my story is PERFECT for what God is hoping to accomplish with it! (Check out the message here. Actually the whole Purpose Driven Life series was awesome – so worth catching up on!)
So….. those are my rambling thoughts, perspectives in this seasons. (They were perhaps infused with a delicious underscore of Moscato, but no less true.)
So to all those in my world….. thank you for overlooking my less-than-sunshiney demeanor. I so appreciate the conversations, the messages, smiles, check-ins, hello’s, the space, the prayers, the “just thinking of you”, the chocolate cake, the flowers and honestly – for just BEING YOU!!! I am overwhelmed (so very often) how God has been more than faithful in my life — and you are very much part of helping me SEE HIM in the sadness, pain – life!
Much love. Always.