As mentioned in my last blog, months ago, I wanted to start doing some “co-writing” with my Mom. She had many journals and pages filled with thoughts and writings, some unfinished and some more personal than I will ever share, but there are several – that as I read them, I saw myself in them, so thought we’d write together!
If I were to describe the seasons of my life it would probably look like a roller coaster. It certainly wouldn’t be a gently sloped incline or even a hill with plateaued area, no it would look like hills and valleys.
An intriguing thought to consider what that might say about me…
I admire those I know who have started at point A and year by year moved steadily forward. It doesn’t necessarily mean they knew the path or that they could see further ahead than anyone else, but someone there was this steady, consistence and an assurance that “this is the next step.” For all of us there are surprises and unknowns but they seem less affected by those things. They don’t seem to be such a distraction or result in a valley detour……” (March 2013)
As I read her words, I thought back on previous writings here, and the many pages of those same thoughts and wondering in my personal journals. Why is it that some people just seem to have things planned, their lives “storyline” seem so clear, so sure, a storybook, carefully laid out and beautiful and mine looking messy and uncertain, and very much out of control? I’ve walked years with many questions, some tough moments, a few trials (which many see trivial compared to some others) and definitely made errors.
In conversations with people, they have questioned my feeling of “wondering” as apparently I live confidently and sure, even in my uncertainty. I ask questions constantly. I think and probably over think, but in my attempt to live life fully – even in the midst of uncertainty and unclarity, swirling emotions and all that life throws my way, I know I’m not just haphazardly living my days. I choose, on some level my path. I choose, and recognize, the impact those decisions have on those around me. And I pray that my life, although occasionally feeling it is just wondering, is the way I should go!
One of my Mom’s favorite books in the Bible was Isaiah and one of my favorite parts in it says:
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying; “This is the way, walk in it!” (Isaiah 30:21)
I can’t tell you how many times, in my wondering, my many uncertain, questioning times, where those words were the only thing that made me confident that I wouldn’t just wonder off a cliff somewhere. Those seven words helped bring clarity and surety that my life wasn’t just happening around me and I had to react to it, but that there was and is a plan, and I just need to stop, be still, listen and then “walk in it”! (I’m not saying I hear CLEAR words from heaven telling me to do this specific thing, but the small reminder that I am not doing life alone.)
So as Mom wrote, I may not have a clear Point A and a determined destination, other than knowing my Point A, I think was birth and my destination is death – and on into eternity, and between then and now, it’s a one step at a time deal and taking a breath at a time, and continuing to ask questions, to do the next thing, to walk through doors that open in front of me, to pursue things I want and to allow myself to be pursued instead of running away all too often.
I wish I could sit down with my Mom and ask her where this thought, and further writings would’ve landed her, but for now – I love being able to sit, quietly thinking and processing what I think she would’ve said or where that would’ve taken her.
I love doing this journey called life, and even without her, in the good and tougher times, remembering her and her influence in years past, and now, makes me realize I still have a long way to go!