I’ve started more than a few blogs the past few weeks but for whatever reason, I’d get halfway through, not like where my thought process was going, it was all too jumbled or it was just too personal and probably best to be kept close. [I guess every writer has those moments but they keep writing… And so have I.]
So last night, I had decided I wasn’t going to write. I was just going to veg out, make dinner, drink a glass of wine, sit on my couch, (watching too many hours of TV) and just shut my brain off. But as I sat there, I realized something…. I actually realized a few things, but this one hit hard (and so writing happened…)
I’m a 35 year old girl who has the house. Who has the job – I always wanted. And I’ve got a car, the best circle of friends, the great connections – that I thought I needed, and yet, sitting alone I realized that in some ways I’ve literally (and in many ways figuratively) just have been sitting – waiting for something. Waiting for change. Waiting for something new and exciting. Waiting for that one phone call that would make my heart skip a beat. Waiting for that one conversation that would alter my professional future. Waiting for relief from emotions and out-of-my-control situations. Waiting for my current reality to shift to a new, brighter, more grass-is-greener kind of moment.
And yet, my reality is what it is. I’ve “climbed” the professional ladder and here I am, sometimes questioning, struggling and frustrated. I’ve had conversations, texts and phone calls that made my heart skip, and yet all those ‘relationships’ faded to nothing. I’ve had high highs and low lows of emotions – and believe me, since February 10th, there’s been many times where emotions and feelings have gotten the best of me.
I tend to be an all or nothing girl. I’m either working hard at life, to embrace emotions and to stare loss, loneliness, fear, uncertainty… Life – squarely in the face. (It is exhausting, but good.) Or I’m shutting down, because feeling all those things, or facing a different realty than I dreamed is just so incredibly tough.
And yet, as hard as I’ve worked, as much as I’ve allowed emotions to be felt, loss of Mom to be processed and that vacancy and life-altered norm to sink in, and even for moments of relief I find, I think I’ve missed something. I’ve been sitting….. waiting…. waiting… waiting… But for what?!
Reality is, all the things I think will make my world happy, full, bright and “right” – can’t actually do it. Yes, life is meant to be enjoyed and lived fully – God really wants that for us – but the truest ‘right’, happy and fullness can only BE HIM.
I realized that I’ve been waiting for something I wasn’t aware I needed. For every moment I’ve been waiting for all the stuff around me to change and shift, He’s just hanging out with, waiting for me to stop staring at all the circumstances, feelings, situations and actually say, “hey…” – to just talk to Him. My circumstances, uncertainties, job title, financial standing may never change, look, feel, or be any different but my perspective may shift and that’s where ‘change’ occurs.
This past weekend I heard this song and it’s lyrics ripped my heart apart…. I couldn’t sing the words at first, but as I take one step ahead, starting the simple, “hey…” conversation with heaven, I’ll eventually be able to sing, even in my waiting……..
I’ve seen many searching for answers far and wide. But I know we’re all searching for answers only You provide. ‘Cause You know just what we need before we say a word.
You’re a good, good Father
It’s who You are – it’s who you are!
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am – who I am….
Watch the video here: http://youtu.be/djrY_eFDOwE (Patt Barrett / Tony Brown – 2014 Housefires)