You’re walking this valley oh so well sweetheart! Keep walking. Don’t camp. Allow friends to keep on loving you through this and keep that honesty coming. Major Hugs to you babe!! Xxxx (*a dear friend who is oceans away…)
Writing is some of the best therapy one can have… And although every time I edit and reedit and press the publish button, my heart pounds – for sharing these words, is so personal, so raw and real…. vulnerable – and yet even as I write, my mind clears and things come into focus a bit more than they were just moments before.
Life, in all it’s unpredictability, is so complex. My desire to control something, anything, rears it’s very ugly head more often than I prefer. My need to feel that things are traveling on the “right trajectory”, skews so much of my planning, my dreaming, my words and my to-do lists. My goal is motivated correctly, to make everything pleasing and comfortable, but oftentimes my holding on, fighting emotion doesn’t result in the best of outcomes.
I have sadness and I have joy. It’s the “ugly beautiful” of grief and yet I’m assured, beauty will come out of the ugly. Life will be birthed in the darkness. I am holding fast, staying oh so very close to my Savior. Praying and trusting that HIS plan, the One with total perspective, has my best interest in mind! (Jer 29:11)
Sometimes the depth of sorrow – this valley – I experience is beyond what I think I can handle. The flashbacks to moments at Mom’s hospital bedside, the convseration we had, and the ones I am missing out on for the rest of my days – oftentimes make me weep. I have choice, daily, to camp there, in the midst of sorrow, doubt, fear, emotion…..pain, or keep walking! I’ve had so many people ask me how I get up in the morning… and how I keep going… and I suppose it’s because I’m walking – not camping in this valley.
I don’t like feeling emotions that are uncomfortable and unpleasant. I don’t enjoy tears welling in my eyes in a split second when a memory chooses to race through my head. Or someone says something or does something that’s so her. I don’t enjoy the discomfort of emotions that flood in and take my breath away! I don’t enjoy the sting I feel seeing my mom’s fingerprints and imprint all across my life, or when I look in the mirror – seeing her beauty in my face….. because the pain is real!
However, in all of those moments, and the ones in between, the reminder that loss, and walking steadily through that very lengthy, on-going process of grieving, is my reality! I had prayed my grief process would be quick, but I’m not convinced that’s how it works! Love develops over time… and reality is – pain takes time to heal… We can choose to ignore it, mask it, hide it, but it doesn’t just not-exist!
Yes, I still function and carry on in my life. I still get up everyday, breathe in and out, put one foot in front of the other and walk -steadily on, looking intently to the One who’s walked this path long before me.
Yes, camping is fine – for a season, but I’m gonna keep walking on!