The past few days I’ve begun to feel it’s time to write again. The last post I did was one of the hardest pieces I’ve ever written! (*there’s something about being in the raw emotion of life where my ‘art-form’ comes best to light.)
So the last 11 days have been some of the toughest I’ve ever had to walk through. Yes, the 16 days in the hospital, beside Mom were tough but there was never finality to what was happening until that Monday evening when Mom took her last breath on earth and entered Heaven….
I felt like then (and even more so now) that much of my life is paradoxical. In that moment when I realized she was no longer part of my everyday, my heart sank so deep and yet at that same moment – was released into something indescribable.
I mentioned life is paradoxical… And honestly in the last days, I’ve felt even in the darkest of moments – there has been the brightest of light. Even when clouds have been so low there’s still been clarity. Even when taking a breath is painful – life fills my lungs and I carry on. When stepping from one year (34) into the next (35) without one of my biggest fans… is the most painful and heartbreaking experience — there is a hopeful expectancy for what my future holds………
Between February 10th and today…… my email inbox, my text messages, my Facebook page, my twitter account, my office space, my mailbox, my front porch, my voice mail, my dinning room table, my “love-tank”……. has been filled to overflowing!!!! The messages of encouragement, love, care, support for the loss of my Mom AND the birthday wishes have been amazingly overwhelming!!! I think we all have some idea the love people feel towards us – but when the tangible – physical outpouring starts coming it’s slightly optionally overwhelming! At one point in the last few days… I sat thinking about (and looking at the piles of cards), and just felt like it was all ‘ridiculous’……. WHY this much?! All of “this” was not just a reflection of who my Mom is… Or her influence on my life — but was what people wanted to express to ME —- but even more so, the mighty-rushing-reminder from heaven that I’ve not been left-behind, forgotten, abandoned, orphaned….
The word I kept coming back to is extravagant. Yes, people have choice in how they live their lives and how they give…. But the demonstration of that this week has been overwhelmingly extravagant and I can see/feel the kiss of heaven in every word spoken.
A friend texted one night his feeling of “overwhelment” as they reflected on their life and the things they were reminded of during Mom’s ‘Celebration of Life’ service… And I think that’s an amazing word, not sure it’s actually a word, but I feel like it perfectly describes this season of life…
I know there will be moments of sadness and re-living this loss in the days and years to come, but in the midst of those times – I am confident of the Father’ love, and demonstration of Heaven’s care for me… And I will remember the amazingly extravagant outpouring from all of you!