Missing in action..? Or perhaps just finding myself again!
If you’ve followed my blogging in the past you know I tend to not be too consistent in my frequency of writing, but I have been missing the past few months!
In all honesty (and transparency), the past several months have been some of the most trying, emotional, stretching and definitely not my favorites and yet now, looking back on the past weeks/months I see good. Growth. And even the faithfulness and goodness of God in it all.
Professionally there were some shifts in my corner of the world, which drastically affected my work load. I was already functioning in a season of “busy” (pushing long hours) but then to be asked to take on an additional “full time” role/task… I was stretched. I’ve stated before that I have huge expectations (for myself) so to have added responsibilities pushed me even further, to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. I confess I struggled with the expression of frustration and that I had reached my limits, much to the concern of those around me. I did my best to “hold it together” but the long hours and pushing myself was starting to crack, not only the exterior, but to the core of who I was, to the point where I literally had to talk myself into NOT crying at my desk everyday!
I had several conversations with people I’ve given permission to speak truth to my life, but it wasn’t until the ‘professional’ in my world expressed true concern for me. She mentioned that my long hours (physically) left me exhausted but that wasn’t the whole issue, I was emotionally spent — so even if I had the physical energy to push through, my internal stability was shattered… and I HAD to do something, and quick, or I would go into full-fledged “burn out”… (something that I had promised myself I would never experience!) She encouraged me to slow down, but not just talk about it, actually DO it! (The thing I LOVE was that she didn’t give me the steps… it was all my choice, MY PLAN!)
So the first thing was to take a step back and come up with a realistic plan. (Theory’s are great, but workable action steps must be in place and put to action to actually have an affect!) In actuality, I had to set personal boundaries (ie: arrive at work at 8:00 and leave at 5:00pm), surprisingly I actually was able to do that 3 out of 5 days the first few weeks. I had to not check email every 15min when I wasn’t in the office. I had to make an even stricter “priority list” — some projects just can’t be on the top and have to be ok to wait! I scheduled 2 nights, actually put on the calendar, “night at home” per week and those nights were not, do laundry/clean/home repair, it was strict relaxing. So there was my plan for the physical (and some mental) but even more importantly was the spiritual, emotional side. I KNEW there was the spiritual component to this, and in all honesty, that wasn’t happening, so just like every other part of my life, it was shattered and uncared for. I’ve realized more than ever, that I must INVEST in that part of my life, more than any other!
One day I received a blog post from She Loves Magazine. I was floored by it’s truth!
But in the search, in the lost wandering, heaven slips in and out with just enough grace to lift the head, to squint the eyes, to call us to look and see. Mystery penetrates the mundane and holiness tames the longing. Though aching, and even tears through fragility, He shows us heaven. With a whisper and a nudge, He pulls back the roof and the walls tumble down. He cracks open the door and lures us to come and stand in the light of our Home.
There are moments when we are responsible for seeing and hearing, but there are times heaven slips in, with just enough grace, to lift our head and give us rest. I can not say how many beautiful moments I’ve had in the midst of the crazy, but I’m incredibly thankful for Heaven’s intervention and for the glimpses of truth and grace in the midst of crazy-busyness!
I wish my life was an even-paced, slow, totally predictable, beautiful moment after moment, but that’s not my reality, now and possibly not ever! I know I must make choices (daily) and I must step up to the plate and figure out what I need to function, and to function WELL! It’s a learning process, but I know more today than I did before and hopefully can continue learning and living life, fully! So here’s to taking the past few months and moving forward with more knowledge, understanding and GRACE, for TODAY!
*Quote from She Loves Magazine: