Sometimes I fear…

… Change.  Being out of “control”. The future.  Getting older… but I think the thing I think about, and possibly fear the most, is finding out that the person I’ve become (the past 33 years) isn’t my true self.  Does that make sense at all?

I’ve written before about “my plans” – my life activities and out workings not being what I had imagined and yet I’ve learned to live with them and on most levels accept them as my reality… but the past few weeks as I’ve watched the people around me — pursue truth for their lives, through mentorship, counseling, accountability, etc – I wonder if 1) I’ll like who they become as they work through their issues, taking one step forward on their journey, but even more than that 2) will I like who I am in relationship with them?

I am the kind of person who sees an issue or something in my life and work most often, tirelessly, to figure out the why, the how, the what will it take to work through it, deal with it.  Personally, it doesn’t makes  sense to put off something that can be changed and more than likely for the better.  However – I wonder if I was to actively pursue change, being intentional in getting guidance (mentorship or counseling), if I’d like who I become?

I recently had a conversation with a friend who challenged me on that thought.  Why wouldn’t I pursue change, health, healing in my life?  As I sat there telling her my reasons — I felt ridiculous, and yet my personality screamed that this statement was truth: “If I change, how will that affect the people around me, their level of interest and care in my life and how will they respond to my change?”

There was situation several year ago where I made the choice to change (drastically) the direction I was heading.  I made a decision (for MY health) to remove something that had more than 90% of my attention and emotional energy.  I KNEW that this cutting-off was the best decision I could’ve made, I was becoming more healthy than I had ever been before, and yet as I watched the friends around me try to embrace that change with me (and deal with the implications of how MY change affected their lives) I felt like my life choice was having huge difficult implications on their lives!  As the years have gone on – I see that it still was the best thing for me… and in many ways for everyone around me as well……. But I will say those weeks and months, as we all made adjustments, were so difficult.

I think discovering your true self is oftentimes more painful and can actually get uglier and more painful than sitting in your current (often times comfortable) state.  The older I get, the more I see those around me work through their lives, the more I believe that is TRUTH.  Healing — on whatever level can be more painful than not addressing the issues, but the benefit of true healing, health and discovering ones TRUE self in the midst (and on the other side) — not just a cover-up/bandage, can be the most amazing pain to ever walk through.

So as I stand thinking of my next step… I have (we all have) a choice to make.  Do we continue walking forward on this life-journey, just figuring out what’s next and in some ways “limping” through life…… or do we take a giant leap forward, embracing the sometimes painful change that is more than likely going to hit us as we choose to work for a healthy, whole life?


4 thoughts on “Sometimes I fear…”

  1. I have three thoughts in response to this great post.

    1) What if, as we grow older, we become more of who we are? The challenge is then taking the time to accept and learn who we are. To become a student of self.

    2) Does everything or anything need to change right NOW. I’m the biggest culprit at seeing a problem and needing to fix it right away, but sometimes….I’m wondering if it helps to sit in the uneasiness of the problem. Will we learn more from it?

    3) I once had an opportunity to sit down with a professional coach type person and he spoke some incredible wisdom. (Yet very simple) He said that the times he had the most growth/change happen in his life was when he let go of some of the good things he was holding on to. (And didn’t need to hold onto anymore) What things do we need to let go?

    1. Adam — some great perspective (as usual). One of our friends is always telling me that there is value in “sitting” in the uneasiness (or pain and emotion) of problems… but it’s very difficult to do that. Your challenge to accept and learn who we are — being a student of self — the learning process, is a great thing, just finding I have to be so intentional on that front!

  2. Love hearing your thoughts, Shauna! This thoughtful post reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” (anais nin). I see your heart blossoming.

    1. Thanks Beth! I’ve heard that quote before that’s so true. Risk… Fear… pain to potential blossom — sometimes soooo worth the risk! Thank you for your encouragement!

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